the door to the past

I really don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sitting in the cafeteria at Pepperdine grabbing a quick bite before my first class at 6pm and I can feel the panic rising. I know that I have to give this an honest chance, and I will, but the doubts are plaguing me like mad right now. And yes, I know that I just got back down here but the truth, if you want to hear it, is that I have not felt truly happy since I got here. Not once. Every time I laugh out loud I feel like a cardboard cutout with a sound box attached (with the exception of when Brigette fell off the curb yesterday and Sean pointed out the vast amount of sidewalk she had at her disposal and her epic failure to do so). It feels completely false and I hate it. 

It's not fair to write this world in L.A. off so soon, but it's not as if I am in a new place and not giving it a fair chance. I already know this world, I've already lived in it and I got out of it.

I just want to go back to Portland. 

stumptown

photos from the past couple months...

I'm back in Portland.

Only for a short time though. I'm sitting on the floor of Indy's apartment, he and Mike are both at work so I'm left to my own devices. When I woke up this morni

ng there was a skillet on the stove full of hashbrowns and diced chicken with an envelope next to it...(you'll have to read it backwards because my computer camera takes mirror image photos)

... Mike had made me breakfast! Love that boy. It's so wonderful to be back here, even though I was gone for less than two weeks. Last Friday when I got here I came "home" to the boys' empty apartment - Indy had worked out at the golf course until late that night and then had to go pick up Mike from work at Whole Foods so I beat them home by about 20minutes. So I waited for them in the recliner, my usual position in the living room, and read. Only not really because I was so anxious I found myself simply looking at the words on the page but never quite committing them to any long term memory. Finally the key turned in the lock and in flew Mike yelling "Oh no, we're being robbed, someone broke in, heeeeeelp!" followed by him lifting me into the air and twirling me around while Indy stood smiling in the doorway. Once I was released by the raving red head, I fell into Indy's arms and we stood there hugging while Mike taunted our reunion ("Ooh, look at us, we like each other, we're in love, wah wah wah...").

It was good to be home.

Meanwhile, this week has flown by faster than I'd hoped. While the guys are at work I've been working on my summer reading, gearing up for school in a little over a week. Brig, Blake, Jason, Mom and I got all my stuff moved in to my new "fort" in Calabasas, just about 10 minutes from Pepperdine. It was so surreal to be back there and back in that setting after living in Portland. This city has a personality, a charm and character all its own. The whole town is alive in itself and you can feel it breathing and moving. LA though is just like walking onto a movie set (appropriately so I suppose). It has no life to it. It's just there. To look pretty. That's it. I'm not downplaying Calabasas or Malibu, they're lovely places and I'm not about to discount the ocean views from campus but there is no personality (unless you're on the beach itself). 

It's going to be a hard transition, I true re-adjustment to a world I already know like the back of my hand because I spent four years of my life there. Four very pivotal years no less. And I will miss my life in Portland more than I can say but this is the next chapter, the next scene in my life and I know this is something I need to do. 

In the meantime though, I'm momentarily back in my life in the Pacific Northwest... I'll always come back here and know I'm home.