Looking back on the couple of posts I wrote while in California it's hard to believe how far I've come in the past few months. Though I was back in a world of my family and my best friends I was completely lost and, in all honesty, one of the darkest emotional pits I've ever found myself mired in. The nights alone in my apartment in Calabasas I would not wish on anyone. Even to think on them now makes me tear up, to watch the "me" in my memory crying myself to sleep wrapped around a pillow wishing so hard that I could just undo everything and be back in Portland...
Well, not to dwell on the bad times. The end result is that I've been back in my beautiful Pacific Northwest for over a month now and everything makes me smile, laugh and cry for happiness. I can't even begin to comprehend the love that has helped me make it to this point. Love from my family, my friends, my God, everyone and everything. I both can and can't fathom it. The can't comes from wondering how on earth I was chosen to be one of the "lucky ones" and the can from knowing that love is the end all be all. Love is everything.
It's coming up on Thanksgiving and at the risk of jumping the gun I've been counting my blessings. For love, I am eternally grateful for the miracle of grace I've been shown. Life isn't perfect, no, but it's damn close. I couldn't have made it back here without it. I don't know many other families who would drop everything to help their daughter, granddaughter or niece the way you all have helped me. God, I can't believe it! And I'm so overwhelmed by it!
And my friends too, most of all Indy. When I left in August he and I talked for hours on end about what it all meant and how we were going to approach the next chapter. He told me then that when he moved to Portland I became his best friend here and always would be. He is, on top of everything else, my best friend. Not in the same way Brig and Blake are, nothing compares to them, but my best friend nonetheless. And as the days and weeks led up to my departure I found myself praying, and wishing on everything I could from stars, to tunnels to any candles I would blow out, just begging God to let me keep him. And now as I drive to and from work, in and out of the city, to and from his apartment to mine I could just burst from the gratitude and sheer joy of being allowed to be back here with him, to have his goodness, his selflessness, his wisdom, his love and his plain being back in my life.
And Mike! I've often said that if you don't like Mike and Indy there must be something wrong with you. Through this whole ordeal Mike has been amazing. He was always there to talk to me and listen to me when I needed a voice of reason. He never told me what to do but simply offered me a sounding board so that I could make the decision myself. And in return he confides in me and that, well that is something special when someone opens up to you and trusts you. Life would not be the same without him.
I know God doesn't just dole out love and acceptance and friendship to everyone so, knowing that He is reading every word I type here, I can take this time to truly thank Him for this life He has given of me. I want to make Him proud, make Him smile, do right by Him and I know that I have and will continue to stumble but that's the beauty of His LOVE. He is everywhere, everyone and everything. He is the reason I get to keep all of you.
It all comes back to love, doesn't it? It seems to me that love actually is all around.
Now I find myself drenched in tears after writing this not because of sadness but from the all-consuming happiness and thankfulness for everything. It's a wonderful feeling to cry this way, to be so happy that you can't keep it in and know that you shouldn't have to.
I'm not a child anymore and I'm learning a lot about life and at twenty-three I think I'm pretty lucky to be able to go to sleep at night happy, loved and at peace. The world may not be perfect but the simple joys of life, love and happiness are priceless.
If I accomplish nothing else in life at least I have this much figured out.
Below are some lyrics to a Chuck Ragan song called "For Goodness Sake" and a link to him singing it. It's exactly where I am in life right now and I love it. Definitely worth waiting for the video to load because to hear this song is to truly understand its meaning.
Simple backbeats seem to soothe me
If I could hold them I would let's say
Take some rest as if not wicked
And walk around enjoying silence
A world away elders gather speaking their tongues and hardly falter
With words of fun, joy and grievance, simple songs, work and penance
To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown
Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake
Down the road the deer are crossing
The grass is greener where they're walking
Rattling beasts and heavy movement
Mark them now son, before we lose them
Bear you arms ever so wisely or burn them all if you have no need
And dress to kill but kill so kindly hollow hearts too weak and weary
To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown
Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake
Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading
And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized
A wise old friend recently told me, "an idle mind is the devil's playpen,"
Find the gaps and watch them closely, spread the love and choose your friends wisely
Love yourself to love your family and find the difference between wants and needs
Be sure to stop and count your blessings, smell the roses and fight for something
To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown
Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake
Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading
And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized
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