fortune cookie

"you do not have to know where you are going to be headed in the right direction."

35°

It's quite literally almost freezing here. Typing this is actually a bit of a treat because my computer, by the mere fact that it is on, produces minute amounts of heat. I'm sitting in front of my little heater and still, freezing.

I'm considering putting on gloves. Maybe mittens.

all i want for christmas

'TIS THE SEASON!

The holiday season is definitely not turning out the way I'd pictured it but I think we may be on the brink of one of the best Christmases to date.

Well, miraculously, I managed to NOT die of mono though it was not a completely unreasonable thought for a couple weeks there. But I am happily on the mend now and it looks like I might even be able to go outside today (like a normal person, whee!)

The only downside now is that I'm here and not in Portland but, my wonderful parents and a certain Indiana gentleman (without whom I might not be here right now) conspired while I was ill to bring said Indianian to California for Christmas... Amazing.

So without being too longwinded here I'll just leave off for now with the note that I am finally feeling better, there is a holiday chill in the air and I can't wait for this Christmas!

t r u t h

l o v e

It's an interesting sensation to be so happy and feel so loved that you can't help but cry. I'm not always sure what to do with it when it happens, but it's worth mentioning that it's been happening on a pretty regular basis lately.

Looking back on the couple of posts I wrote while in California it's hard to believe how far I've come in the past few months. Though I was back in a world of my family and my best friends I was completely lost and, in all honesty, one of the darkest emotional pits I've ever found myself mired in. The nights alone in my apartment in Calabasas I would not wish on anyone. Even to think on them now makes me tear up, to watch the "me" in my memory crying myself to sleep wrapped around a pillow wishing so hard that I could just undo everything and be back in Portland...

Well, not to dwell on the bad times. The end result is that I've been back in my beautiful Pacific Northwest for over a month now and everything makes me smile, laugh and cry for happiness. I can't even begin to comprehend the love that has helped me make it to this point. Love from my family, my friends, my God, everyone and everything. I both can and can't fathom it. The can't comes from wondering how on earth I was chosen to be one of the "lucky ones" and the can from knowing that love is the end all be all. Love is everything.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving and at the risk of jumping the gun I've been counting my blessings. For love, I am eternally grateful for the miracle of grace I've been shown. Life isn't perfect, no, but it's damn close. I couldn't have made it back here without it. I don't know many other families who would drop everything to help their daughter, granddaughter or niece the way you all have helped me. God, I can't believe it! And I'm so overwhelmed by it!

And my friends too, most of all Indy. When I left in August he and I talked for hours on end about what it all meant and how we were going to approach the next chapter. He told me then that when he moved to Portland I became his best friend here and always would be. He is, on top of everything else, my best friend. Not in the same way Brig and Blake are, nothing compares to them, but my best friend nonetheless. And as the days and weeks led up to my departure I found myself praying, and wishing on everything I could from stars, to tunnels to any candles I would blow out, just begging God to let me keep him. And now as I drive to and from work, in and out of the city, to and from his apartment to mine I could just burst from the gratitude and sheer joy of being allowed to be back here with him, to have his goodness, his selflessness, his wisdom, his love and his plain being back in my life.

And Mike! I've often said that if you don't like Mike and Indy there must be something wrong with you. Through this whole ordeal Mike has been amazing. He was always there to talk to me and listen to me when I needed a voice of reason. He never told me what to do but simply offered me a sounding board so that I could make the decision myself. And in return he confides in me and that, well that is something special when someone opens up to you and trusts you. Life would not be the same without him.

I know God doesn't just dole out love and acceptance and friendship to everyone so, knowing that He is reading every word I type here, I can take this time to truly thank Him for this life He has given of me. I want to make Him proud, make Him smile, do right by Him and I know that I have and will continue to stumble but that's the beauty of His LOVE. He is everywhere, everyone and everything. He is the reason I get to keep all of you.

It all comes back to love, doesn't it? It seems to me that love actually is all around.

Now I find myself drenched in tears after writing this not because of sadness but from the all-consuming happiness and thankfulness for everything. It's a wonderful feeling to cry this way, to be so happy that you can't keep it in and know that you shouldn't have to.

I'm not a child anymore and I'm learning a lot about life and at twenty-three I think I'm pretty lucky to be able to go to sleep at night happy, loved and at peace. The world may not be perfect but the simple joys of life, love and happiness are priceless.

If I accomplish nothing else in life at least I have this much figured out.

Below are some lyrics to a Chuck Ragan song called "For Goodness Sake" and a link to him singing it. It's exactly where I am in life right now and I love it. Definitely worth waiting for the video to load because to hear this song is to truly understand its meaning.

Simple backbeats seem to soothe me

If I could hold them I would let's say

Take some rest as if not wicked

And walk around enjoying silence

A world away elders gather speaking their tongues and hardly falter

With words of fun, joy and grievance, simple songs, work and penance

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Down the road the deer are crossing

The grass is greener where they're walking

Rattling beasts and heavy movement

Mark them now son, before we lose them

Bear you arms ever so wisely or burn them all if you have no need

And dress to kill but kill so kindly hollow hearts too weak and weary

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading

And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized

A wise old friend recently told me, "an idle mind is the devil's playpen,"

Find the gaps and watch them closely, spread the love and choose your friends wisely

Love yourself to love your family and find the difference between wants and needs

Be sure to stop and count your blessings, smell the roses and fight for something

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading

And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized

i heart portland

Revival Tour

Video I took of Frank Turner singing "I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous" last night at The Revival Tour. The new screenplay I'm working on is heavily influenced by this song. I told Frank that when I met him before the show and he high-fived me and told me to send it to him when I finished it.

Umm... OK!

I am sick and tired of people who are living on the B-list

Yeah they're waiting to be famous and they're wondering why they do this

And I know I'm not the one who is habitually optimistic

But I'm the one who's got the microphone here so just remember this

Yeah well life is about love, lost minutes and lost evenings

About fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings

And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering

And they help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live

Yeah the only thing that's left to do is live

After all the loving and the losing, for the heroes and the pioneers

The only thing that's left to do is get another round in at the bar

a flash, followed by

spectacular.

twitterpated

there's a squirrel in my tree

I named him Elliott. After Elliott Smith, a musician from Portland. 

Squirrels are awesome. 

let the wild rumpus start

Trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are".

I can't wait.

Why did I never read this as a child?

nooks & crannies

home

tossed salad & scrambled eggs

So I've been back home in the beautiful Pacific Northwest for a little over a week now. In that time I have quite literally traveled up and down most of the western coast of the United States. From Los Angeles to the Bay Area to Portland to Seattle and back to Portland once again.

I'm in love. With everything. And one person in particular. 

Life is BEAUTIFUL. 

Indy and I drove up to Seattle this past weekend for Heidi's wedding to Tyler Hagens. It was nothing short of perfect, an autumn wedding with no detail spared. And on top of that, it was a chance for us to get away for a couple days and seeing as neither of us had to work the day after the wedding we decided to spend all day Monday playing in the sunshine.

We wandered over the whole of Pike Place Market, had lunch overlooking Elliott Bay (under the watchful eye of a very persistent seagull), tromped around Gasworks Park (where Indy climbed on absolutely EVERYTHING, making Seattle his very own jungle-gym) and topped the day off by visiting the Fremont Troll under the Aurora Bridge. 

There was a crisp breeze, autumn light and love was in the air. 

What a delightful corner of the world.

Come along with me to my little corner of the world
Dream a little dream in my little corner of the world
You'll soon forget that there's any other place
Tonight, my love, we'll share a sweet embrace

And if you care to stay in my little corner of the world
We could hide away in my little corner of the world
I always knew that I'd find someone like you
So welcome to my little corner of the world

And if you care to stay in our little corner of the world
We could hide away in our little corner of the world
We always knew that we'd find someone like you
So welcome to our little corner of the world

- yo la tengo - 

but it feels like i'm home again

Oh, hello there!!!

So this time next week I'll be back in Portland and the world will make sense again. 

I am on the edge of my seat, I am so excited.

I realize that this has all played out the way it did for a reason, that if I had never left I may not have realized just how much I love it there and how much that life meant to me... But I do apologize for the circus this roundtrip move has created. But I just wanted to say that I truly, and with my whole heart, appreciate all you have done for me. 

It was an incredibly hard realization to come to that my life was about to take a turn I didn't want. everything was in place, the cogs had been set into motion but it wasn't right. And I knew it before I ever left but could see no way of reversing the things.

However, Tom Shadyac said "If a person is going to grow, they must rethink everything." And so I am. I have. Life is taking yet another unexpected yet delightful turn and I cannot wait to see what I end up doing next.

So thank you, all of you, for helping me get my life back to the place I love. 

I love you all.

the door to the past

I really don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sitting in the cafeteria at Pepperdine grabbing a quick bite before my first class at 6pm and I can feel the panic rising. I know that I have to give this an honest chance, and I will, but the doubts are plaguing me like mad right now. And yes, I know that I just got back down here but the truth, if you want to hear it, is that I have not felt truly happy since I got here. Not once. Every time I laugh out loud I feel like a cardboard cutout with a sound box attached (with the exception of when Brigette fell off the curb yesterday and Sean pointed out the vast amount of sidewalk she had at her disposal and her epic failure to do so). It feels completely false and I hate it. 

It's not fair to write this world in L.A. off so soon, but it's not as if I am in a new place and not giving it a fair chance. I already know this world, I've already lived in it and I got out of it.

I just want to go back to Portland. 

stumptown

photos from the past couple months...

I'm back in Portland.

Only for a short time though. I'm sitting on the floor of Indy's apartment, he and Mike are both at work so I'm left to my own devices. When I woke up this morni

ng there was a skillet on the stove full of hashbrowns and diced chicken with an envelope next to it...(you'll have to read it backwards because my computer camera takes mirror image photos)

... Mike had made me breakfast! Love that boy. It's so wonderful to be back here, even though I was gone for less than two weeks. Last Friday when I got here I came "home" to the boys' empty apartment - Indy had worked out at the golf course until late that night and then had to go pick up Mike from work at Whole Foods so I beat them home by about 20minutes. So I waited for them in the recliner, my usual position in the living room, and read. Only not really because I was so anxious I found myself simply looking at the words on the page but never quite committing them to any long term memory. Finally the key turned in the lock and in flew Mike yelling "Oh no, we're being robbed, someone broke in, heeeeeelp!" followed by him lifting me into the air and twirling me around while Indy stood smiling in the doorway. Once I was released by the raving red head, I fell into Indy's arms and we stood there hugging while Mike taunted our reunion ("Ooh, look at us, we like each other, we're in love, wah wah wah...").

It was good to be home.

Meanwhile, this week has flown by faster than I'd hoped. While the guys are at work I've been working on my summer reading, gearing up for school in a little over a week. Brig, Blake, Jason, Mom and I got all my stuff moved in to my new "fort" in Calabasas, just about 10 minutes from Pepperdine. It was so surreal to be back there and back in that setting after living in Portland. This city has a personality, a charm and character all its own. The whole town is alive in itself and you can feel it breathing and moving. LA though is just like walking onto a movie set (appropriately so I suppose). It has no life to it. It's just there. To look pretty. That's it. I'm not downplaying Calabasas or Malibu, they're lovely places and I'm not about to discount the ocean views from campus but there is no personality (unless you're on the beach itself). 

It's going to be a hard transition, I true re-adjustment to a world I already know like the back of my hand because I spent four years of my life there. Four very pivotal years no less. And I will miss my life in Portland more than I can say but this is the next chapter, the next scene in my life and I know this is something I need to do. 

In the meantime though, I'm momentarily back in my life in the Pacific Northwest... I'll always come back here and know I'm home.