Memorial Day Weekend: Day 1 of 3... DONE. This is the official kick-off the what is affectionately known as "wine tasting season" or as I now call it - "work-a-lot-so-you-don't-have-to-think-about-what's-really-making-you-feel-like-you-want-to-die season".
So far, it's only moderately effective.
I've always been in my head more often than not and, in the past, it's always been a nice little safe haven for me. The introverted, only-child, hermit tendencies have always been a nice little retreat, especially since I figured out who I was somewhere around sophomore year of college and decided to supplement my introspective tendencies with, you know, people skills. In high school I would let your basic low self esteem keep me from doing a LOT (this was something that followed me to college as well until I went to London and decided that life would be a lot more fun if I paid attention, got out there and lived a little - thrilling concept). Of course once I let go and actually allowed myself to be myself, everything changed. I stopped worrying so much about what I was doing right and what I was doing wrong and was able to just be happy.
And that was something I held onto until... Well, until about seven weeks ago.
There are still the little blips of that blissful happiness that I experience every few days, but I wish I could get back to that place where I was so happy I could barely keep it all inside. I was basically just ecstatic about everything all the time because, why wouldn't I be? To love and be loved? Life doesn't get much better.
And now I feel like I'm right back where I started. The only thing now is that the little hermitage of my mind, that place where I could always tuck into and get back to myself if need-be is gone. In its place? The most dangerous place I can possibly be. My mind is a trap now and if I'm not careful I get stuck, with the happiest memories of my life on constant replay - with no way to stop it. I can't get away. I can't free myself from the memory of what life was like the last two and a half years, how wonderful it was and how it's not there anymore.
I know that I'll get back to the happy. That's who I am... I am that person who knows there's little point to being anything other than optimistic. The person who is almost disgustingly upbeat. And to be honest, I kind of hate that I've let anyone take that away from me. I actually want to be really angry about it, throw a few punches (actual punches, hard ones that do real damage, leave a mark and make you wonder what the hell just happened)... But that's not me. Not really me. A part of the real me maybe, but I know it's not the right way to deal with anything and is the exact opposite of the person I want to find again in myself.
@*#%... I'm so ready to not feel this way anymore.
Back to work in the morning.
(photo taken with my iPhone of the "backyard" at work)
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May 28, 2011
May 27, 2011
kitteh cyat
After feeling like I'm in the pit of hell the past few days... This totally made me smile.
May 25, 2011
May 21, 2011
guess who's coming to dinn- er, work?
John and Laura are the coolest parents ever... One week old and they're taking their son wine tasting! Well, technically Jack was just a spectator in today's sporting event (and even then, he was asleep) but I still applaud Mom and Dad for taking baby boy out into the sunshine! And, needless to say, I was beyond thrilled to see Jack.
I don't know how he did it, but he actually managed to get cuter in the last week. He's miraculous.
May 19, 2011
raganism and other musical belief systems
I have had a long-running theory regarding the differences between things that are considered to be "secular" and "religious". It's something that I have a problem with because I find labeling to be far too polarizing in most aspects of life (particularly when it comes to religion). This is exceptionally true for me in the case of "religious music" and "secular music".
Imagine a seven year-old me asking my mom, "Am I going to Hell because I listen to The Beatles?"
Fast forward a decade and a half to find that not only have I continued listening to The Fab Four, but have more finely tuned philosophy surrounding my views on the intersection of music and religion. Now I am in no way putting down "Christian" music (many of the more popular songs I know from four years at Pepperdine and have come to love). But for the most part, I not only tend to find most of it too sheltered and guarded, but extremely segregating. It doesn't reach a broad enough audience because in the simple labeling, it will exclude anyone who doesn't define themselves as a Christian and in that, miss the chance to spread a message.
On the flip side of this coin comes my belief system - if God is omnipresent and in everything, He is therefore in all of those things people consider "secular". Ergo, just because it's not defined as "Christian", doesn't mean that it can't bring you closer to your faith (whatever that may be). AND not only will the message remain in tact, but it will reach a broader audience. I remember Cameron (the Hood in Ryanhood) saying something to this effect about their music: if you're looking for that message, it's there. If not, you're still hearing it for what it's worth on a basic human level.
OK, enough background. My mission here is to define for you, dear readers, my own personal canon of music. My gospel, if you will.
Mike defines this branch of our "faith" as Raganism (nod to our man Chuck Ragan and, as I have now been schooled, actually founded by Dean and Moshboy). Now this is not be confused with Springsteenianity, as preached by Dean and Jacobo. But, such is the beauty of our mutual respect for musical religions. They can worship the wonder that is The Boss and we shall profess our love for Chuck. And yes, we attend the others' services quite often... But we know where our loyalties lay.
And so, without further ado, I present to you the artists who have been my other solid rock of faith through the past couple years and, perhaps more importantly, this last month and a half of what I can only describe as personal hell. I beseech you to click on a few of the song links and listen to some of these, see what you glean from the words and melodies.
For now though, we'll leave it at this. There are many places in this life where truth can be found and I think it silly to limit oneself to certain things because the label placed upon them happens to fit another label you have put on something else. You don't need a specific faith to see, and to know, that everything is connected here. And nothing happens by accident.
Life is a beautiful configuration of things and instances and people and places. And there is no doubt one driving force behind it all. I happen to call it God, but that may not be for everyone so I'm not about to back myself into a corner and focus only on things with that same label because, as I said to start, if He truly is the all-powerful, all-knowing, omnipresent being I know Him to be, I don't need to worry about only finding him within the confines of "religion". I have the power to find Him in everything.
What a concept.
It stems back to a church my family and I briefly attended when I was young and we had first moved to Napa. Said church, in retrospect, flew in the face of just about everything Christianity is supposed to be about and was far too focused on making its own rules and regulations. More a cult than a community...
But that's another story for another time. I mention this today in regards to one of the so-called "teachings" of this church when it came to music. The gist? All secular music is basically of the Devil and you should never listen to anything other than Christian music.
But that's another story for another time. I mention this today in regards to one of the so-called "teachings" of this church when it came to music. The gist? All secular music is basically of the Devil and you should never listen to anything other than Christian music.
Imagine a seven year-old me asking my mom, "Am I going to Hell because I listen to The Beatles?"
Fast forward a decade and a half to find that not only have I continued listening to The Fab Four, but have more finely tuned philosophy surrounding my views on the intersection of music and religion. Now I am in no way putting down "Christian" music (many of the more popular songs I know from four years at Pepperdine and have come to love). But for the most part, I not only tend to find most of it too sheltered and guarded, but extremely segregating. It doesn't reach a broad enough audience because in the simple labeling, it will exclude anyone who doesn't define themselves as a Christian and in that, miss the chance to spread a message.
On the flip side of this coin comes my belief system - if God is omnipresent and in everything, He is therefore in all of those things people consider "secular". Ergo, just because it's not defined as "Christian", doesn't mean that it can't bring you closer to your faith (whatever that may be). AND not only will the message remain in tact, but it will reach a broader audience. I remember Cameron (the Hood in Ryanhood) saying something to this effect about their music: if you're looking for that message, it's there. If not, you're still hearing it for what it's worth on a basic human level.
OK, enough background. My mission here is to define for you, dear readers, my own personal canon of music. My gospel, if you will.
Mike defines this branch of our "faith" as Raganism (nod to our man Chuck Ragan and, as I have now been schooled, actually founded by Dean and Moshboy). Now this is not be confused with Springsteenianity, as preached by Dean and Jacobo. But, such is the beauty of our mutual respect for musical religions. They can worship the wonder that is The Boss and we shall profess our love for Chuck. And yes, we attend the others' services quite often... But we know where our loyalties lay.
And so, without further ado, I present to you the artists who have been my other solid rock of faith through the past couple years and, perhaps more importantly, this last month and a half of what I can only describe as personal hell. I beseech you to click on a few of the song links and listen to some of these, see what you glean from the words and melodies.
1. Chuck Ragan
Albums of note: Feast or Famine, Gold Country
Songs in particular: "For Goodness Sake", "The Boat", "For Broken Ears","California Burritos", "Rotterdam", "It's What You Will", "Let It Rain", "Symmetry", "10 West", "Do You Pray?", "No Rubber Tired Vehicles Beyond This Point" ft. Nagel
2. Frank Turner
Albums of note: Love, Ire & Song, Poetry of the Deed, Rock & Roll EP
Songs in particular: "The Road", "I Still Believe", "I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous", "Reasons Not To Be An Idiot", "Poetry of the Deed", "Love, Ire & Song", "Long Live The Queen", "The Fastest Way Back Home", "Vital Signs", "Pass It Along" (and the album version), "I Am Disappeared" (also, the album version)
3. Sundowner
Albums of note: Four One Five Two, We Chase The Waves
Songs in particular: "Your Self Portrait", "One Hundred Resolutions", "In the Flicker", "Whales and Sharks" (ignore the image for this one, it's the only recording of the song I could find)... Actually, the whole of both of their albums. Every song is poignant perfection.
Albums of note: Sign No More
Songs in particular: "Little Lion Man", "Timshel", "Awake My Soul", "The Cave", "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Roll Away Your Stone", "Sigh No More"
Albums of note: Emotionalism, I and Love and You, Mignonette
Songs in particular: "Shame", "Weight of Lies", "The Ballad of Love and Hate", "I Would Be Sad", "January Wedding", "I and Love and You", "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise", "Ten Thousand Words", "Ill With Want", "Tin Man", "Swept Away", "One Line Wonder", "Murder in the City"
There you have it. And that's just the jumping off point. For the sake of brevity (yes, this is the condensed version) I have left others off the list to keep it at a good, solid number like five. Maybe one of these days I'll round it out and continue for the Ten Commandments (which will include other significant members of my musical pantheon such as The Beatles, Gaslight Anthem, Rocky Votolato, Matt Pryor and Ray LaMontagne).
For now though, we'll leave it at this. There are many places in this life where truth can be found and I think it silly to limit oneself to certain things because the label placed upon them happens to fit another label you have put on something else. You don't need a specific faith to see, and to know, that everything is connected here. And nothing happens by accident.
Life is a beautiful configuration of things and instances and people and places. And there is no doubt one driving force behind it all. I happen to call it God, but that may not be for everyone so I'm not about to back myself into a corner and focus only on things with that same label because, as I said to start, if He truly is the all-powerful, all-knowing, omnipresent being I know Him to be, I don't need to worry about only finding him within the confines of "religion". I have the power to find Him in everything.
What a concept.
(photos of Frank Turner and Chuck Ragan taken at the 2009 Revival Tour at Berbati's in Portland... I will also point out that I met both of them that night shortly before taking these photos... That was a good, good night)
planet of the apes
This is just stunning. To be honest, the great apes kind of freak me out a little (I don't know why, probably just how human they can be while at the same time decidedly not human) but this collection of faces just has me mesmerized. I love how unique each of them are (and I especially love the "smiling" guy in the lower right hand corner!)
(photo reposted from Science is Beauty)
(photo reposted from Science is Beauty)
May 17, 2011
just jack!
mom & dad anxiously awaiting their baby boy! |
t-shirts i made for jack jack |
a moment just for them |
bundle baby |
he has the sweetest little ears |
i will never put him down |
mama laura and her sweet little baby |
i just love his face in this one! |
that little tummy is just begging to be kissed |
holding onto my finger |
May 16, 2011
the gospel of chuck
These two songs are getting me through... Read the lyrics and try to not feel your soul shake.
THE BOAT written and arranged by Chuck Ragan
Some days we’re ripped and torn away
From the shores and tossed to a watery grave
Set adrift in the depths of the drink and in the hands of the gods we curse
We call for help when no one’s around
Shot down bleeding thoughts never make a sound
Set adrift in the depths of the dark, in the heart of the sea where we wish….
I feel it in my bones when the storm is close
Then I wait for the rain and the wind to blow
As dark colors fill the sky, I’m drenched and feeling so alive
My eyes closed tight and my ears open for the boat.
We all carry the tune we love
Think of home when the waves and the going get tough
Hold our breath and go down with the wish of just one last kiss to rest
I feel it in my bones when the storm is close
Then I wait for the rain and the wind to blow
As dark colors fill the sky, I’m drenched and feeling so alive
My eyes closed tight and my ears open for the boat.
CALIFORNIA BURRITOS written and arranged by Chuck Ragan
How cold can a heart become
Before it crumbles or decides to stay numb
I know what it’s like to feel cold
And I don’t want to die alone
Cause I can’t stand feeling nothing
I can’t stand feeling old
I can’t stand standing for nothing
When standing up is all I know
So why waste another day
Turning our backs and walking away
I want to feel everything
And I want to grow in every way
Cause I can’t stand feeling nothing
I can’t stand feeling old
I can’t stand standing for nothing
When standing up is all I know
solid rock
Jared and I went to church last night. It was the first time in a long time that I'd been and, more importantly, the first time in a long time that I'd felt right about being there. In that I mean that I feel like I found a church where I feel comfortable and where I believe need to be. To be honest, I haven't felt so "at home" in a church (and so immediately) since Holy Trinity Brompton in London.
More on all of this later but for now I will say that I think this is going to be good. I have a good feeling. I need this.
I need this to help me return to being a lily of the field and to help me stop toiling and spinning because to be honest, I'm getting dizzy.
More on all of this later but for now I will say that I think this is going to be good. I have a good feeling. I need this.
I need this to help me return to being a lily of the field and to help me stop toiling and spinning because to be honest, I'm getting dizzy.
hidden messages
Somestimes there are little messages that come to you exactly when you need to hear them. Case in point.
May 14, 2011
John Warren Perrigo III
BIG BABY! |
first time holding our new little man |
hasn't mastered sucking his thumb, but an index finger will suffice! |
getting all swaddled up and cozy |
laura and her boy |
daddy and jack... five hours hold |
safe to say i'm in love |
the sweetest new parents i know |
aunt ashley is totally smitten |
May 13, 2011
"oh golly, golly, i'm having baby!"
Loving on Baby Jack and his Mama! |
Maria and Laura |
Excited Papa John with the little shirt I made for Jack |
Excited aunties! |
I finally got a message from John this morning letting me know that Laura fought hard but finally got an epidural when the pain got to be too much for her so as of this morning she was resting and getting some sleep but at 8cm she was almost ready to go! John sent me another message about 4 minutes ago and the baby had moved down so within the hour he's thinking Jack will be here!
I'll post more pictures and updates as we get them!
May 10, 2011
aviators
The other day at Trader Joe's I was in line waiting to make it to the till. I had my gold aviators perched on my head, (over)anticipating the possibility of cloud-breaks and sun bursts making their valiant attempts in this tedious month of May.
Anyway, the cashier gal made mention of the man in front of me being prepared for said sun with his golden eyewear and then commented on my matching lenses.
"You guys are twins! That's awesome. You're very prepared. You guys are like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. And hey, if it's good enough for Tom Cruise, it's good enough for me."
"That's my philosophy with most things in life," I replied.
"Yes! That's awesome!"
I think I made a new friend.
We then proceeded to have a conversation about greeting cards with pictures of canned corn on them.
I love Portland.
Anyway, the cashier gal made mention of the man in front of me being prepared for said sun with his golden eyewear and then commented on my matching lenses.
"You guys are twins! That's awesome. You're very prepared. You guys are like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. And hey, if it's good enough for Tom Cruise, it's good enough for me."
"That's my philosophy with most things in life," I replied.
"Yes! That's awesome!"
I think I made a new friend.
We then proceeded to have a conversation about greeting cards with pictures of canned corn on them.
I love Portland.
May 9, 2011
these boots were made for walking
I love Etsy. And this concept of retail therapy. In a stupid, superficial way it does kind of help. I mean, not really... But kind of.
In any case, finding vintage Frye boots for about 1/4 of their original price is enough to boost any mood a wee bit. I'm going to wear these beauties in an effort to metaphorically stomp out the crappier things in life.
Ah, the philosophizing of a severely bruised heart. I can convince myself of almost anything.
In any case, finding vintage Frye boots for about 1/4 of their original price is enough to boost any mood a wee bit. I'm going to wear these beauties in an effort to metaphorically stomp out the crappier things in life.
Ah, the philosophizing of a severely bruised heart. I can convince myself of almost anything.
May 8, 2011
May 5, 2011
May 3, 2011
May 1, 2011
breaking news
"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44
"Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked should die? saith the Lord God: and not that he should return from his way and live? For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God: wherefore, turn yourselves, and live ye." Ezekiel 18:23, 32
After ten years of fighting, and hundreds of thousands of live lost on both sides - some innocent, some not - I know the world in rejoicing in this step toward a terror-free world. I admit that I am tempted to join them in that, feeling a tingle of American pride along the way.
What shocked me though was this: it made me sad. Not sad that Osama Bin Laden is dead (we can all agree that, like the fall of Sadaam Hussein, the world is now a "better place" with him eradicated) but sad that the world is uniting in a joyful celebration of death. What makes me sad is knowing that we are justified in this celebration, knowing that I am essentially "right" in being thrilled to hear this news.
I reposted the above passages from the Bible after reading it from my old friends Nathan and Kalle, respectively. As Nathan put it, "I'm so sad when I read... [Facebook] right now. I see rejoicing instead of solemnity, joking and laughter instead of pain that justice with 'served' with such a heavy hand."
I am eternally grateful for the lives of those who have suffered to achieve this. But sadness that the world has come to this at all, that's what I think we are talking about. There is no doubt the world will be a better place without him, but I second Nathan - solemnity, and the reminder that redemption is always possible, right to that last breath of life. We will never know, but there is always the hope.
I'm genuinely relieved to see that these two have echoed my feelings on this because I admit that it did startle me that my initial reaction was sadness. But it was not a sadness or mourning of this particular life lost (again, I remember what he has done, please do not misunderstand me), rather that the lessons Christ himself taught us, that we are ALL His children and ALL have the potential to repent, are seemingly lost in a sea of "justification".
We all ask the classic question: What would Jesus do? And yet, in so many arenas the world over, that concept is pushed aside for what we consider "justice" and "the right thing to do".
Christ did not judge, did not turn anyone away, did not draw a line in the sand condemning people to one side or the other because He simply loved. Even when He was not loved in return. He saw possibility in every human soul and loved them regardless. This is why He was the man He was. Of course I also understand that for mankind to continue doing that, and to the extent that Christ did, is hardly a possibility. There are certain "necessary evils" in the real world.
I truly believe though that if Jesus were alive, in the human form He took millennia ago, He would not be rejoicing and laughing at this death. There would be a sadness looming because, though we don't know for sure (but the odds are not in Bin Laden's favor), another soul has left this Earth without knowing Love and Grace.
So, sweet readers, I beseech you - do not let this bring joy to your heart, rather remember the sacrifice of so many lives and understand the true cost of what it has taken to bring us one step closer to "winning" this war.
(photo taken from my computer screen as President Obama spoke to our nation on this matter)