how to destroy dean // a play in five acts

this play, which is a work of fiction but based entirely on real-life events, has had some details altered and/or condensed for the sake of the theatre and is not an exact transcript, though it is as close to historically accurate as needed for dramatic effect

___________

act I

(Early afternoon, in the car; Frank Turner plays)

JARED

Is this Bob Seger?

DEAN

I hate you.

act II

(Late afternoon, again in the car; Gaslight Anthem plays)

JARED 

This is my favorite Bob Seger song.

DEAN

I'm going to murder you.

act III

(Early evening, back in the car; Chuck Ragan plays)

JARED

Oh sweet, Bob Seger's got a new song!

DEAN

I can't handle this.

act IV

(Later that night, at a bar; Tupac plays)

JARED

This was one of Bob Seger's best.

DEAN

No one thinks you're funny anymore!

act V

(Just after midnight, still at the bar; The Ramones play)

DEAN

I bet you're gonna ask what Bob Seger album this is off of now?

JARED

Who the hell is Bob Seger?

DEAN

..........

JARED

.........?

(dean's head explodes all over the table)

THE END.