weekly gratitude

thank you for weather finally, and consistently, warm enough for not-boots

There hasn't been a Weekly Gratitude post in a while. 

As I've said before, it's not for lack of thankfulness, I assure you. When I'm troubled and anxious and can't seem to turn it all off at night, I truly count my blessings instead of sheep. 

((Bing Crosby had it right))

But honestly, it's been a rough few weeks here. I promise not to be one of those vague writers who hints at trials but never says what's really on her mind - that post is still pouring out of me but it's not so easy to write so I have to cool it even when I'm on a roll because I think I might explode...

So yeah, for now I'll just say it's been rough.

For all the joy I have, and the flicker of peace I am so desperately close to finally grasping, there is an absolute aching. A friendship that in so many ways has meant more to me than any other is hurting and I honestly don't know what to do or how to fix it. A friendship so dear to me because it has shaped me and helped mold me into the person I am. A person whose friendship, through mistakes on both our parts, showed me what it means to love unconditionally. Whose absence in my life the past few weeks has left me so sad I almost can't breathe sometimes. 

But through it all - grace. 

Oh, abounding grace!

And that is what I am grateful for.

Because through it all, I am learning now more than ever to lean into the One who heals hearts. I am learning ((the hard way)) what it's going to take to wake me up and lay my life down for the One Who gave it all. 

Two years ago I realized that everything I'd ever wanted was being stripped away from me so that I would finally seek everything I'd ever need...

Him.

 The only condition is that He wants me in return. 

All of me.

He wants my heart and until I stop holding back the things I'm still afraid to lose, He won't stop. And though it may sound strange to some, I want that.

I want Him to do what it takes to make sure I keep my eyes completely fixed on Him. 

I want to step out onto that water and not lose faith, start to doubt and watch the solid ground below my feet turn to crashing waves once again. 

And though it hurts, and I'm terrified of what I might lose, I am finally - even if only for a few scattered moments in the day - feeling that amazing grace crash into my life and heal me. 

I am grateful for the chance to learn how to trust and guard my heart and listen to truth.  Learning truly that "everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss".

Because I am finally beginning to trust Him enough to let go. 

I am grateful for what He is doing in my life. For my life. 

So... Thank You.