two zero one three

You can go ahead and thank Jenn for this one.

She went ahead and tagged me, passing the great invisible blog baton (which I'm fairly certain is just a bottle of wine because let's face it, that's what we pass more than batons around here) thus requesting I pony up and write a proper recap of the year gone by. 

I would love to write something amazingly profound, fill this post with links to the year's greatest hits, or to have finally figured out what program it is exactly that people make those amazing photo montages set to music that's not just some 30 second iPhone app but I'm just not that technologically gifted (which is further reason I'm happy a certain staff sergeant will be home in two weeks time because then I won't feel so bad about not understanding how my phone seems to learn things at night without me and then make me feel exceptionally stupid when I accidentally turn on iTunes in the lobby at UrbanWaxx and anyway, isn't that what boys are for anyway? To open pickle jars, fix your car and tell you how to conquer your fear of technology?) (I'm sure that's why he signed up for this gig, right?)

So how about some bullet points for the good people of the internet?

Rejoice! Bullet points! The crowd goes wild!

(I've lost you already, haven't I?)

___________

JANUARY

// Frankie and Matty got married. Again. Legally. In front of the people who love them most (I'll go ahead and assume here that you guys know we love you more than life itself and therefore claim top love on this one - so ha!) and this time, no one can touch them. Love doesn't need a piece of paper, but when so many, too many, refuse to see the love you have as something "real" until the powers that be deem it so, this is was hard fought battle and a nobly won fight. You guys prove again and again what love looks like and I was beyond honored to share such a happy day with these two pieces of my heart. 

// I flew home to California, saw my family for the first time in way too long (about to pull a pretty good deja vu of that here in a couple days - I love looking forward to going home again)

// While in CA, I met two of the dearest friends I could have ever hoped for. Kate and Jenn, you guys… I just… You have no idea. God saw fit to bring us together and when I look back at all of the little things that lead up to this friendship I can see now a beautifully and perfectly orchestrated masterpiece that could only come from a master like the Creator of all things himself. The big man done good with this one.

FEBRUARY

// This month was a hard one. Once again I had to come face to face with the ugly reality that I was in fact dealing with depression and had to realize just how much of my life I was letting go by without seeing it. All of the wonderful things I was unable to see because I was paralyzed with near shattering sadness. And at the same time, I had to get ready to put on a happy face once again…

// Because this was the month I flew to Connecticut to photograph Luke and Alyssa's beautiful winter wedding. I had to see people I still, and always will, consider family, and try to hold my shit together long enough to capture what was such a wonderful and happy occasion. But if I'm being honest here, my heart was breaking the entire time. I didn't know it then, but I think my heart somehow knew the bottom was about to fall out and my whole world was going to change, suddenly and soon… And for the better, but I just couldn't see it yet… And it would be a long time before I saw why what happened next had to happen…

MARCH

// I had to learn the hard way to start praying for what I need not what I want. 

// Without knowing it I said goodbye to someone for the last time and in doing so, set myself on a trajectory toward a healing I so desperately needed.

// I made a bison and bleu cheese lasagna that I'm pretty sure could finalize world peace with one bite

APRIL

// I went to the Revival Tour without The Camaraderie and in one night realized just how unfathomably important my friends are and how even though the glory days of our little family may be a thing of the past, those memories cannot be touched and the new glory days are yet to be… And I do have faith that the glory days we are creating now, and that have yet to be created, will be things of magic.

// Tristen. Tristen Hurst Perrigo was born and my heart exploded. I will never tire of being an aunt.

// I photographed the Cascade AIDS Project Art Auction and realized truly that all those years ago when Shamoo asked me why I wasn't a professional photographer and I laughed and said, "Oh, I wish!" was so much more a prophecy than a pipe dream.

MAY

// I had to learn - again - what it means to surrender it all.

// Moving on finally started to seem like a possibility… Still very far away, but entirely possible.

// My sweet baby Jack turned 2… How?! Aren't nephews supposed to stay tiny babies forever?

JUNE

// I'm pretty sure this month I mostly cooked a lot and ate a lot… Lots of wine in there somewhere too, I'm sure.

// I photographed Andrew's birthday party where I'm fairly certain Shamoo was the only straight man in attendance and, more importantly, the new straight mascot for the gay men of Portland.

JULY

// The great state of Oregon seduced me over and over again with its wiles… Rodeos, river floats (in which I get tossed from my tube and had to be rescued out of the Clackamas River by a handsome doctor) (side note: that handsome doctor was Shamoo's brother, Eric, and it wasn't quite as dramatic as I make it sound but I will continue telling it that way because it prompted Andrew to wish his husband would save him out of the rivers one of these day), hiking… How many times can I tell you I love it here before you're sick of hearing it?

// Oh, and 4th of July! I can now tell you for certain that this holiday shouldn't be celebrated without a retired marine manning your fireworks… Especially when he disappears into the house and returns to the street with a spool of electrical wire and a detonator. Don't worry… He's certified.

// I was sent on my first official business trip when the Erath sent me up to Washington to pour at Riesling Rendezvous. Also, on a related note, I fell in love with the Heathman hotel and want to stay there all the time. ALL THE TIME!

// Jenn and the rest of the Dignazio clan moved to Korea but not before a (not so brief) layover in Seattle which meant only one thing: TERMINAL PICNIC! Five hours in the SeaTac airport eating cheese, drinking coffee and wrangling my favorite little ginger babies before seeing them off into hell another long flight. Have I mentioned I miss you dearly?

// The Perrigos came to play, too! After a few failed attempts to get myself back out to Montana, the universe conspired to bring my favorite little family back to the Pacific Northwest! Seeing Laura, meeting Tristen, marveling at Jack… I could barely take it all in. Missing them is only surpassed by loving them. 

AUGUST

// Those sneaky Perrigos, they came back! Just when we thought they were headed home, they stuck around a little longer and I like to think I won Auntie of the Year award with Jack for having an extensive collection of Disney movies and a giant sheepskin rug he found to be the perfect location to "swim". We also spent an evening with Ashley and the, at the time, still-cooking Olivia baby bump and I couldn't help thinking how amazing these women I call sisters are!

// Wells Thomas Larrabee arrived and after waiting all night for word from Kate, seeing his sweet little face show up on my phone made me feel like I might burst with joy (Kate seriously makes the cutest babies if you haven't noticed)

// I went to a rodeo and met an army man, home on leave… Things were about to get interesting…

// Kamdyn turned 3… I chose to only halfway accept that.

// The whole blogging world it seemed came to a halt as Diana Stone and her family were tried and tested beyond what anyone could call mercy. Their tiny, newborn son Kaden Isaiah Stone fought for his life for 21 days. Prayers beat down the gates of Heaven and even though it was not the outcome any of us hoped, those gates came down and a new breed of mercy and hope flooded our world. It was, and will remain, one of the greatest testaments of faith and God's love I have ever known. From around the world we took hold of each other's hands and encircled Diana with the only things we had and these things remain: faith, hope and love. The day Kaden passed, we all wept - most of us never knowing Diana in person but at the moment, feeling deeply connected through a sisterhood only God could have created, reminded us that we are all His children and that we are, above all, made for his glory and for each other. Kaden's short life was a greater embodiment of God's love than any of us could ever hope for and for that, I stand amazed.

SEPTEMBER

// So many birthdays! Most of us turned 27, we ate a lot, drank a lot, there was much revelry and happiness!

// I got offered a job at a new winery and even though it was one of the hardest decisions of my life, I put in my notice at Erath and accepted the position as club manager for Durant Vineyards & Red Ridge Farms. More on that later…

OCTOBER

// Olivia Grace. October 2nd. She's finally here. Ashely and Brandon became parents and another little human joined our family. 'Bout time we had a baby girl to show all the boys what's what!

// I started my new job at Durant and while there have been days I feel like I'm in entirely over my head, I love it. And I get to work with one of my best friends again (And Jo, what would I do without you? I have no idea and let's make a deal to not try and answer that any time soon... Dynamic Duo, hey-o!)

// And then there was Everleigh Marie! Kamdyn has a baby sister!

// Against all odds, and as much as I could barely believe it was happening, somewhere along the way… I fell in love. And the whole world looked different.

NOVEMBER

// Work entirely began to eat my life, but I continued to love it no matter how overwhelmed I got. Weird.

// I flew to North Carolina and spent the weekend with a wonderful, albeit sick, staff sergeant. It wasn't quite the weekend we had planned but cuddling on the couch watching football and reruns of Pawn Stars wasn't so bad, actually. And Roxy. Sweetest little pit on the planet. 

// Again, and again, I had learn to that trusting God is really the only option I've got. In a lot of ways, this was a rough month, but already I can see it was a good one for that very reason.

// Thanksgiving with my gang of miscreants. So far beyond blessed I should probably pinch myself.

DECEMBER

// To be honest, by this point, most of life was a blur. Between work and thinking way too much about everything else going on in my life, I was a near basket case by Christmas.

// Yeah, basically lost my damn mind this month. 

// Checked myself before I wrecked myself. 

// Thank you wine, because… Wine.

// And whiskey.

// All of a sudden it was Christmas and once again, Whiskey Gremlins Christmas Eve… My friends? Some of the best there are, I'll tell you that much. 

 ___________

And now here we are… An hour to midnight.

The cards fell in interesting ways this New Year's Eve. 

For the first time in many years, I don't have anywhere to be.

This is not going to be the New Year's Eve where I race across town to rescue my friends and get back to the rest of the group in the middle of the midnight strike.

This is not the year I am at a party.

This won't be the year I find myself in the arms of people I love, singing into the night.

This New Year's Eve I am alone.

And for the first time in my life, I think I'm okay with that. 

In two weeks, after a 3,000 mile drive from North Carolina, a country boy who I think rather highly of will be rolling that big ol' jacked up truck of his back into Oregon for good. Eight years of an impressive military career under his belt. And, now that he's retired, with the start of an equally impressive beard.

___________

And so tonight, I will drink champagne and ring it all in, and let myself be kind of excited about what's the come with the calendar flip to 2014.

Who's with me?

___________

(Oh yeah, the questions… I should probably answer those and make this a real live post)

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't really make resolutions really, but I did decide on One Little Word. And I'm glad I did, because it ended up playing a much bigger part in my year than I would have guessed at the time.

And I will absolutely do it again this year, keeping with letting the word choose me. As I lay in bed this morning thinking about it, it became completely clear… This year's word?

TRUST.

Easier said than done, right? But then again, I like a little bit of a challenge. 

Did anyone close to you give birth?

SO MANY BABIES! Um, yeah, there's something in the water. At one point I had, like, nine pregnant friends this year, half of them close friends. And another sister friend just announced her little tiny one on the way! 

I need to buy stock in Baby Gap.

Did anyone close to you die?

Thank God, no.

What countries did you visit?

Since 2003, I somehow managed to get myself to England every two years… This was the first time in ten years I didn't end up across the pond. I feel it in my bones. I need to get back there.

What would you like to have in 2014 that you didn't have in 2013?

My wits about me.

What dates from 2013 will be etched upon your memory, and why? 

August 13th… Because meeting him changed everything.

What was your biggest achievement of this year?

My new job. I'm still learning, and still flailing, but the challenge is at once all encompassing and exhilarating. 

What was your biggest failure?

I let a lot of friendships suffer. I let depression and introverting and work and a whole myriad of other things take over and I was missing what really needed my attention. This year I am making a concerted effort to not let that happen again.

What's the best thing you ate?

Nothing crazy stands out but my guess is probably cheese of some sort. Because.. Yeah… Cheese.

What's the best thing you bought?

A ticket to the Canby Rodeo.

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

He's about 5'10'' 215 lbs. Brown hair. Blue eyes. A few tattoos. Biceps roughly the size of my thigh.

Ha. Sorry. Had to do it. 

What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I'd been able to go camping more this summer. That's on my list. I don't take nearly enough advantage of where I live. 

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) richer or poorer? b) happier or sadder? c) thinner or fatter?

a) Monetarily? Richer with the new job. Wealth in every other respect? SO MUCH RICHER. 

b) Happier. But to be fair, it was a hard fought battle to get there and the price was a lot of sadness.

c) Oh good lord. Split the difference. Who can say?

Did you fall in love in 2013?

Yes.

What was your favorite TV program?

Doctor Who. And Bones. 

Ah, diversity.

How did you spend Christmas?

With my crazies. Loving more than you think you can love other people. Eating and drinking and making all kinds of inappropriate comments that solidify us as ingrates and your average marks against society. 

I spent Christmas very, very happy. 

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 27. I went to work all day then met my friends at The Lost & Found where we ate pizza and drank whiskey drinks and it was one of the very best to date. 

I spent my birthday very, very happy.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2013?

I call it "The Lairen" and it's somewhere between "I need to be classy and presentable" and "I need to crawl around in that there dirt so I hope you don't mind".

What kept you sane?

God.

Tell me a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. 

Trust. And when you start to lose your shit… Trust.

It's not easy. It's not fun. I fail at it all. the. time.

But I pray. I pray all the time and when nothing else makes sense, I pray for the ability to trust that what I can't see is all that good stuff that makes life so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. That all the darkness is there to make the light that much more brilliant. 

Keep trusting… Keep going…

Here's to whatever you've got, 2014.

30 seconds

If you follow me on Instagram you've already seen the short version of this little ditty, but I was having a little too much fun playing around with iPhone apps while watching too many episodes of Bones to bother with a real post tonight so hey! let's make another slideshow!

2013 was a hoot. A hoot and a half, even! 

And maybe, possibly, sometime soon I'll get my act together and write something worthwhile and meaningful because really, it's all up there, swimming around in my head and trying to find a buoy to hold onto but getting distracted by a rogue gull or something and… 

I need a nap. 

But seriously, I'll get to that year-end recap soon.

Maybe.

Soon-ish.

where am I? oh, here I am.

Good morning.

Is it December? 

I'm pretty sure it is, but my sense of reality is a little shaky lately and mostly I can't tell which foot to put in front of the other because it seems like all I ever do is work and fall asleep on the couch by 9:30 to the sounds of Doctor Who (which leads to some very interesting dreams as you can imagine but hey, bow ties are cool and now I want a fez) (where was I?). 

Life lately. 

It's mad and wonderful and trying and fulfilling and at the end of the day sometimes there isn't enough wine in the world and I totally get it now why Don Draper has a bar in his office and if I could get away with it I sometimes think it would be beneficial for all of us if I kept a flask of whiskey at my desk but I left my flask in North Carolina and won't see it until a certain staff sergeant rolls back into the Pacific Northwest sometime in January and good lord, it is so cold here I can't feel my face and can't seem to procure enough faux fur blankets to insulate myself properly but instead seem to further the evolution of my apartment from attic studio to full-on wild kingdom with animal pelts and antlers thrown about all willy nilly and yet I can't complain because one of the added bonuses to living in this arctic north is that I can leave a cold beer on my coffee table and Oregon will be a dear and keep it nice and frosty for me.

So win win win.

Also, the fact that I mentioned three kinds of adult beverages in that mess up there should in no way cause alarm but rather emphasize the need for cocktail hour to come back with a vengeance. 

Anyway… How are you lot?

just know this...

One of these days I'll actually do a real post about our most incredible, epic and offensive Thanksgiving to date…

And one of these days I'll actually remember that I do have a blog…

But until then, here it is: proof that our little family of misfits can take a nice picture.

I could just pour my heart out for these people, and I will eventually when I get my act together and flip the blogger switch back on in my brain, but if nothing else know that we've got something going for us…

Love. Nothing but love. 

Because that's how we roll.

___________

I also want to say to all of you that while I've been awful at commenting lately, I have been reading all of your blogs and following IG and want you to know how incredible you all are! The reader I use on my phone (Feedly) is pretty good but commenting is a beast to figure out and I never remember to come back later but I've loved seeing all of the adventures y'all are having and hope you continue to know how valued and amazing these friendships are!

immeasurable gratitude

"It is another kind of miracle entirely 

when friendship bends beyond itself 

and binds us into family."

Shauna Niequist

you've never failed & you won't start now

Gonna learn to trust if it's the last thing I do. 

mama j & the big 50

Janna.

Oh, this lady.

A couple of years ago, after working harvest in the cellar, she came to work in the tasting room at Erath with us. She was honest, hard-working and somewhere between the jingling of the thousand bangles she wore on her wrist and the exclamation of "Sweet baby Jesus" at most turns, we all fell in love with her.

So flash to a couple weeks ago when her amazing husband Mark got in touch to let us all in on the big plan for Mama Jamma's big 5-0… Oh, but he and her oldest daughter were cooking up something good!

Maris Gras Murder Mystery.

Guys… This was at once the worst and most brilliant idea ever.

Best because I mean hey, no one knows how to throw a party like the Erath crew (at least we entertain ourselves). 

I mean, come on now… We are good at anything involving wine and bourbon and cheese. 

Really good.

But worst idea ever because let's be honest… We all remember last Thanksgiving and what happened when Janna found the bourbon.

Entertainment ensued. 

And she and Scott (I mean Batman… I mean Zorro… I mean, I don't know, he changed his mind - but not the mask - a few times over the course of the evening) basically declared their love for each other.

Friday night was no different really, except we were all in costume.

I mean fine, it was your average Friday night but with cake but whatever… Did I mention there as wine?

But truly, the best part of all of this was getting to celebrate this incredible woman who we all love so much. 

I for one know that my life wouldn't be what it is without her (or Mark for that matter).

This woman has loved me and prayed for me when I really thought I was crumbling. She has a bizarre and insane ability to know when something is wrong and when to swoop in at that last second, just when I think I'm about to lose my sh*t (sorry to be crass, but let's face it, that's the only way to describe it sometimes). 

There are few people who live their lives with as much love and honesty. When Jesus said "Follow me" and told us to love like he does, Janna listened. She is not perfect, and she'll be the first to tell you so (again, let me reference the Thanksgiving Weekend Bourbon Debacle of 2012 - though for the record, that was hilarious and we all may or may not have encouraged it at the time) but one thing she always gets right is loving on the people around her.

Her faith and her love are something there are no words for. She is something entirely special and she has fought hard for where she is right now.

Happy birthday, Janna!

I hope you always know how treasured you are.

(Janna and Patt… Jodi and I are convinced these two are our guardian angels)

sister friend

Happy, happy birthday Terra!!!

You are one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever known and my heart is fuller for knowing you. Yours is the kind of character that most only ever imagine they could one day encounter. Your heart has been forged in flames from something I know to be incredibly precious. You have fought hard to become who you are and my admiration is infinite. You are strong and certain in your love for people, and you carry yourself with dignity and humility far beyond your twenty years.

In short, you are the kind of person I want to be when I grow up.

I've had the honor of watching you grow into the incredible woman you are and continue daily to marvel at your spirit. Thank you for always being a light in my life, even when it was hard to see it shining anywhere else. Your love and support are unending and I couldn't love you more than if you were my own sister. 

Happy birthday, and here's to so many more!

scott's birthday - no good can come of this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SCOTT!

((Are you my mummy?))

picture taker

I haven't been too good about blogging this year. 

I look at my total posts to date and figure if I'm even going to make it look like "a post a day" I'm going to have to double and triple up on posts from here til the end of the year.

((not going to happen))

My writing habits have never been consistent. I'll go on mad sprees and the words pour like water but then... I don't know. It's not a drought per se, nor could I ever call it any kind of writer's block, but it's just the lack of desire to actually download those thoughts from this addled brain of mine and commit them to paper or post. I suppose that's why photography began to take a firmer hold of me -  it was a new way for me to tell stories, and not just my own, but the stories of all the people I know and love.

I started dating a wonderful man recently and in getting to know each other I began talking out loud and in earnest, I think for the first time, about why photography has become so special to me. Because being allowed into someone's life long enough to take a photo - even if it's a passing stranger n the street, you are being given an instantaneous and unique opportunity to experience their life. To freeze that split second of existence forever. And to be invited into some of the most momentous and important events in one's life? There are few greater honors, I'd like to think.

When I've been asked to photograph weddings, or a child's first birthday, or the excitement mixed with tender trepidation behind the eyes of parents to be - how special is that? Not everyone is allowed into those worlds, let alone with the free reign to get up close and infiltrate the instant a memory is made. 

Sometimes I wonder, when my subjects have no clue that I'm as close as I am, or that my lens is trained in their direction, if those quiet, fleeting moments that land themselves into my photos are the kind of moments that are collected somewhere for us to watch on that bigscreen in heaven. And I'm not just talking about the moments I actually get a picture of, but the ones that happen between shutter clicks, the ones that happen when I'm checking the battery life of my camera, the ones that happen when no photographer is anywhere near and occur before you even realize you're creating a memory you wish to God you could hold onto forever. 

I hope so. 

I hope there is a great giant shoebox filled with all of the snapshots I missed in life but that God was there to capture for me so that someday, when I'm sitting on the floor there in heaven ((because I/m gonna go ahead and assume heaven has a floor and that sometime in all of that eternity I'll have time to reminisce on all the happy moments I had in life)) I can leaf through the images and remember and think to myself how glad I was someone was there to take a picture of all those times I'd want to keep forever.

I think I got more than a little bit off my train of thought there ((I don't know how, that never happens)).

My point in all of this drivel is that even though words have been my chosen medium for as long as I can remember - and though I have absolutely zero intent on ever choosing otherwise - I do believe that photographs may have inched right up alongside my precious words as my favorite way to communicate.

After all, a picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words so as far as I can tell the two were always meant to go hand in hand.

happy birthday, dad!

This is woefully late, but have I mentioned lately how great my dad is? 

I mean really, let's take a moment to think about it...

This is the guy who, though he once claimed he never wanted to have kids, sends me weekly emails just to tell me how grateful he is for the chance to be my dad.

He's the one who has given me pink roses every birthday since I was born, always making sure there is one bloom for every year.

The guy who made me "The Vice President In Charge of the President" of Private Preserve when I was like what, a toddler?

My dad is the one who helped out in my classrooms all throughout elementary school, who instilled in me a love of the written word, raised me to love God and love others and who has shown me time and again, through his actions and his very life itself, that honesty and character are far more important than most everything else.

So here's to a belated, but no less enthusiastic,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

to my one and only Dad-n!

on this side

One day you'll see her and you'll know what I mean.

Take her or leave her she will still be the same.

She'll not try to buy you with her time.

But nothing's the same, as you will see when she's gone.

It's foreign on this side,

And I'll not leave my home again.

There's no place to hide

And I'm nothing but scared.

You dream of colors that have never been made,

You imagine songs that have never been played.

They will try to buy you and your mind.

But only the curious have something to find.

It's foreign on this side,

And the truth is a bitter friend.

But reasons few have I to go back again.

Your first dawn blinded you, left you cursing the day.

Entrance is crucial and it's not without pain.

There's no path to follow, once you're here.

You'll climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs.

It's foreign on this side,

But it feels like I'm home again.

There's no place to hide

But I don't think I'm scared.

- Nickel Creek, "This Side" -

__________

It's been an intense year. 

You know that. 

And I can say with no hesitation that my life would not be what it is right now were it not for the prayers and support of not only my friends "in real life" ((because to dis-count them in any way would break my heart)) but because of you all. The friends who have stood alongside and been there to pray and listen and ache, though no flesh and blood meeting has ever occured.

That is something special. That is a unique breed of friendhsip that time and again is touted throughout the blogging world as something we can't fully wrap our minds around but won't dare question because it is just. that. amazing.

So before I get into it, I want to offer a deep, true and eternal thank you. To you. The incredible and wild gratitiude I have for each and every one of you who have sent little notes of encouragement, sent up prayer and reached out with "I've been there, too... I am STILL there, and now we both know we're not alone"... OK, i could go on but I'll probably start crying.

What I wanted to say here is that even while Oregon is trapped under an all-too-early cloud of rain usually reserved for I don't know, like, January? I can feel my own cloud finally lifting. The storm, dare I say it, dare I even dream it, dare I even begin to believe it, has passed. 

I feel like I made it to the other side and I feel more myself than I ever have.

And this new season is remarkable.

___________

I was so sad, for so long. And while God was forging me in the fire, I fought it. 

I fought it so hard. 

My goodness, how I wasn't sure I'd make it though without melting, being destroyed.

But He made me from far finer material than could be ruined by the flames.

To tell someone who is hurting, who is grieving, who is just plain trapped in a sadness they can't get out from under is damn near useless. I mean sure, it's a comfort to know that people around you love you and are trying every. last. thing. to try and make you smile again... But at a certain point you don't want to hear it anymore.

"Wait... Be still... TRUST... His timing, not your own..."

I can't tell you how many times I all out SCREAMED at God. I told him I was DONE. I didn't want to feel this way anymore, I didn't want to wait for the storm to pass, I wanted IMMEDIATE rescue, Life Flight, whatever!

I can almost hear the long, deep sighs he must have uttered in response. 

Not out of frustration, but just a simple exhale - probaly more for me than Him, because I was gasping on the inhale but couldn't let anything out. If that makes sense. I know now, and I suppose I knew then though I had a hard time believeing it some days, that He was right there with me. He was feeling the hurt, and wanting to make it all better... But his version of "all better" was different than mine. I wanted immediate satisfaction. I wanted to wake up the very next day and not miss the man I was in love with for so long. I wanted to wake up and not be crippled on the inside with the sadness at knowing he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I wanted to be happy, genuinely happy again. And I wanted it RIGHT NOW.

And I know God wanted that too. But He wanted to make sure I understood why this was all happening. Why things went down the way they did. Because I've never been one to take on the unknown - in this case, the unknown being a life without the person who at one time was everything to me - without some serious bucking and incredible fear of what I didn't know how to do.

Or what I thought I didn't know how to do.

Because as it turns out, I was much better at life than I gave myself credit for. I absolutely still miss my friend, but it took all of that to show me that I am incredibly capable of living an absoltuely amazing life no matter what. That life was beautiful without him.

And what's amazing now is that here, walking in the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see how things had to happen the way they did because I fought every other method He tried to use to keep me from the kind of hurt I landed myself in.

And I have to tell you... 

When I let my heart be open again for the first time in two years, incredible things started to happen.

A new season is not just a physical change in the weather, or colors in the trees. The seasons that change in our souls are infinitely more dynamic and altering. They are a different kind of visible. 

They are that much more magical.

It's competely different on this side than I had imagined. The quick fix I had so prayed for, and eventually reliquished to "Your will not mine" in the last couple months has given way to the most phenomal things, I can't believe it.

Somewhere between embarking on a wonderful new adventure with my career ((more on that soon)) and meeting an incredible man ((also more on that soon... maybe... this is where I'd probably issue a coy wink if I was the coy winking type)) I can only see this light getting brighter and brighter.

And I'm not so scared anymore.

I've always loved autumn and this year, I think I love it more. Because it's my own autumn. Because even when one season ends, and it looks like something is dying, it's not...

It's making way for something new.

So I watched the leaves fall
All of the way to the ground
And I knew that that was what love was
To die so that it could be found

- Ben Rector, "Autumn" -