and we're off...

Memorial Day Weekend: Day 1 of 3... DONE. This is the official kick-off the what is affectionately known as "wine tasting season" or as I now call it - "work-a-lot-so-you-don't-have-to-think-about-what's-really-making-you-feel-like-you-want-to-die season".

So far, it's only moderately effective.

I've always been in my head more often than not and, in the past, it's always been a nice little safe haven for me. The introverted, only-child, hermit tendencies have always been a nice little retreat, especially since I figured out who I was somewhere around sophomore year of college and decided to supplement my introspective tendencies with, you know, people skills. In high school I would let your basic low self esteem keep me from doing a LOT (this was something that followed me to college as well until I went to London and decided that life would be a lot more fun if I paid attention, got out there and lived a little - thrilling concept). Of course once I let go and actually allowed myself to be myself, everything changed. I stopped worrying so much about what I was doing right and what I was doing wrong and was able to just be happy.

And that was something I held onto until... Well, until about seven weeks ago.

There are still the little blips of that blissful happiness that I experience every few days, but I wish I could get back to that place where I was so happy I could barely keep it all inside. I was basically just ecstatic about everything all the time because, why wouldn't I be? To love and be loved? Life doesn't get much better.

And now I feel like I'm right back where I started. The only thing now is that the little hermitage of my mind, that place where I could always tuck into and get back to myself if need-be is gone. In its place? The most dangerous place I can possibly be. My mind is a trap now and if I'm not careful I get stuck, with the happiest memories of my life on constant replay - with no way to stop it. I can't get away. I can't free myself from the memory of what life was like the last two and a half years, how wonderful it was and how it's not there anymore.

I know that I'll get back to the happy. That's who I am... I am that person who knows there's little point to being anything other than optimistic. The person who is almost disgustingly upbeat. And to be honest, I kind of hate that I've let anyone take that away from me. I actually want to be really angry about it, throw a few punches (actual punches, hard ones that do real damage, leave a mark and make you wonder what the hell just happened)... But that's not me. Not really me. A part of the real me maybe, but I know it's not the right way to deal with anything and is the exact opposite of the person I want to find again in myself.

@*#%... I'm so ready to not feel this way anymore.

Back to work in the morning.

(photo taken with my iPhone of the "backyard" at work)


  1. youre so... so... angsty! i don't know how to help. i think pensacola would tell you to write a poem.

    but all i can say is: