Q: Wanna know what makes you feel like a real piece of skubalon?
A: Doing something that deliberately flies in the face of what you know is right - what you know God wants.
I'm talking about making the conscious decision to do the exact opposite of what you know you should.
Even with the clear picture of the life I know God wants for me - the life I want for me - I let myself get in my own way and, in a fit of what I can only describe as being selfish and ornery, took a step backwards in the walk I am working so hard to commit myself to.
And it's been festering like a plague.
Okay, so, apologies for being vague. The point of this is not to be that person (you know what I'm talking about - that person who posts statuses like, "SO UPSET RIGHT NOW! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!".... Well, maybe don't post about it then? I dunno, I'm no expert...) but just to give some background to the point I do want to make...
God is good.
Really, really good.
So yes, I've been feeling supremely unworthy of grace the last few days. It's one thing to do wrong, it's quite another to do it on purpose. There was no "ignorance is bliss" about it - and with that, it's been hard to look Christ in the eye, so to speak.
And when I've felt the panic of anxiety over it building to a spectacular new height, I've let it bubble and spill its murkiness all over everything in my life rather than trusting Him enough to handle it in a way I know (I KNOW!) is far better than anything I could concoct.
Yesterday I actually tried to quiet my mind enough to give it all up.
Picture this: I actually closed my eyes and imagined driving in a car with Him, me in the driver's seat and the road getting too rough. I could feel the worry of not being able to handle it and my head told me to just let go. I told Him I was going to take my hands off the wheel and let Him steer.
And in that slight sort of meditative state do you know what I did?
The instant my hands left the wheel, they snapped back.
Like when you're riding a bike as a kid and do the whole, "Look ma, no hands!" but in reality your fingers barely leave the handle bars long enough for the sensation of the rubber grips to fade.
Even in this imaginary place I didn't trust Him enough.
What is my deal?
I didn't trust Him enough to guide my life, so I did what I wanted to do instead of having faith in Him to lead me to a better place and now I am torturing myself into a tizzy every waking moment.
(note: listen to that voice - and in some case that very real, present voice - who know you better than you know yourself sometimes)
So today I asked Him to please, please, send me a sign that this is going to be okay.
And guess what?
In a serious fit of worry I passed the church I pass almost daily (the church whose sign has read for the past few weeks, "God never lets His people sin successfully") and saw today that they had updated it:
"God has a way of turning blunders into wonders"
Sure, a little cheesy, but I've no doubt that He's got this.
He's got me. And no matter how many times I screw it up, He's still there. And He's still got this.
And though I certainly don't deserve it, I am lost for words to thank Him for it.
I keep thinking about that line from Mumford & Sons:
But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It sure is.