I've written and rewritten a few versions of this.
Some actually made it onto the computer screen, others I just drafted over and over in my head.
Either way, the catharsis was there and none of the others made it to publish.
But they won't be deleted.
No, they won't be erased. But rather stored as a reminder that I did feel that way and did need to say a few things, even if no one heard it.
Still, I'll say this now...
Without cause for concern, let me admit here that it's been kind of a rough few days. Between things with family, things with dear family friends, and things with just me, I've been extremely overwhelmed and, since we're being completely honest, sad.
Just simply and extraordinarily sad.
I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly explainable reasons (re: the "things" listed above) and I'm not ridiculous enough to overlook the existence of the real-life winter blues brought on by the general gloomy weather I actually love most of the time but... When I've tried to figure out what my deal is it kept coming back to the unbelievably simple answer:
I'm just sad. And a little lonely.
And I realized I'm doing what I tend to do when this kind of thing happens and just retreating inward, hiding in my little hermit world where at least a few things still make sense.
But wait! Because this was not meant to be a post full of me whining. That was just the preface needed to set you up for this:
I am so blessed. And I am so grateful.
And while I am constantly falling into the trap of letting the one thing I don't have overshadow all of the things I do have, I am trying - so, so hard - to pull myself out of that.
And there are people out there who are helping me.
Laura called me the other day and in talking to her, I had no idea how much I had needed that - just someone to talk to. Talk at really. She just listened while I poured things out of my head that I didn't even know needed to be said.
From so far away, whether she realized it or not, she held me up and kept me from falling. She threw a line out and reminded me of all the amazing things I have, and can do, and can accomplish in my life. In my "definitely-not-perfect-but-perfect-in-its-imperfections" life where even though it may not be rolling along exactly the way I'd like it to, I have more than I could ever deserve.
Are there words beautiful enough to say thank you for that? I'm still looking for them.
The grace in my life is overwhelming, and in the best way possible. Because not only do I have all of these blessings, but God has seen fit to give me friends who will intercede in my sadness and guide me back to happiness.
Can you even imagine what a God He must be to give me that?
So in lieu of continuing to prattle on here simply because I'm having a hard time finding all the right words to say, here's the gist of it:
Awful, cheesy video, but the song is right about where I am right now. And if there's one thing I've learned as a writer it's that sometime you need to check your ego, shut up and let someone else's words do your talking for you. And this song?