when all else fails

I know exactly what I need to do.

So why can't I do it?

Why can't I seem to realize that I can lay down a burden if only I'm willing to trust something bigger than myself? Am I that arrogant to think that only I know what's best for me? 

Not to say that I don't in so many ways - after all, that's how life is lived well, when you realize that you do have a say in your life. But what about when we don't seem to be able to bear something anymore? Should we not let our guard down a little and trust that someone will help when we need it most? 

All we have to do is ask.

So I'm sitting here wondering why I can't seem to do that. I am fighting something that I have zero control over and for what? What good is this doing me? (hint: nothing)

I let myself get sick with worry and sadness even though I know it's not doing me any good whatsoever. And yet...

And yet as much as I try, and as much as I want to, I can't let go. I am too overwhelmed I think to trust anyone else with handling this for me - even God. Which totally defeats the purpose of faith (yes, I can see my own hypocrisy here, please don't judge me, I'm human).

Every day I talk to Him, beg and plead with Him to help me, to bring me through this, to stop lobbing foul balls my way, to stop knocking me down just when I think I'm ready to stand up again - but why should He do any of that unless I'm ready to place all of my trust in Him? I mean really, I do have enough wherewithal to see that He's just going to keep at it until I hand it over to him. I do know that. But my stupid head and my heart seem to be on two very different wavelengths. 

Right now I think I know better than God. 

There. I said it.

And therein lies the problem. 

I am going to do it though - let go and let God.

I'm not going to try to... I'm going to.

("Do or do not. There is no try.")

I just need His help, that's all.

(photo via pinterest)